My heart is so heavy as I right this. Honestly, my world has been flipped upside down since Monday when we found out my father does, in fact, have cancer. You know, we had suspected it for a while…we really had…but even though we had suspected it? It didn’t make the diagnosis any easier. After waiting for days to find out answers, we finally got some today.
Daddy has stage four cancer. He has two options – surgery to remove his voice box/vocal chords AND radiation, or just chemo and radiation together. My father has denied the surgery – considering he wouldn’t be able to talk – and I can’t say I blame him. We’re supposed to go down the Chemo/Radiation road..but they will not do either unless my father stops drinking. Honestly, today was the first day in my lifetime that my father openly admitted to being an alcoholic. He told the doctor that he could stop smoking…but he’d have a really hard time not drinking anymore. Please, pray that the Lord gives him strength to do what he needs to do.
I am scared. I know I have all of this support, and I really appreciate it, please do not get me wrong. But, I am scared. I lost my mother, unexpectedly, in 2012…and quite frankly, I am neither ready to loose my father as well..nor am I strong enough to go through that again. The doctor said that if daddy chooses no treatment, he has 12-18 months to live.
I know I’m super behind on the 30 days of thanks – and ‘m going to catch that up right now:
Day Five: I am thankful for my father. He is my superman – other than my son – and he has always been the man made of steel in my eyes.
Day Six: I am thankful for my father’s doctors. They are straightforward about everything, and they are good, Christian Doctors. The other night, the doctor asked if he could pray with me (I had to call after hours and my anxiety was just so bad). I honestly believe we have a great team working with us.
Day Seven: I am thankful for the support we have received from family, friends, and my readers/followers. It really means so much the encouraging words I have received.
Day Eight: I am thankful for my sisters. All of them. I have two biological sisters, and one unbiological sister. My oldest sister lives in Florida, and at the moment she cannot come home…but I appreciate her having us facetime her today during my father’s appointment so she could “be” there. We may not always get along, but my sisters are my world. I don’t know what I could do without Heather/Ashley/Stephanie.
Day Nine: I am thankful for my teachers. They are all aware of the situation with my father, and to be honest..because of his health, I have missed a lot of days at school this month alone – to the point where I’m “over” my limit. I am thankful that they are working with me.
Day Ten: I am thankful for my family. Not just the ones who live in my house, but the ones who have never turned their back on me. A lot of them have let me vent/cry/scream/and yell the past couple of days.
Day Eleven: I am thankful for my husband’s patience. I haven’t exactly been “nice” to him lately.I don’t know…I am so angry over our current situation, and I mean.. I am super angry. The only one I know I can take my anger out on and have them understand WHY I’m being a b**** is my husband. He has not shut me out, nor has he shut me down. I am so thankful he is understanding. And of course, after I yell at him for the littlest thing there is….I break down crying. He is there, with open arms, holding me while I cry my eyes out.
Day Twelve: I am thankful for my those who have helped me with the kids. It hasn’t been easy coordinating childcare here lately. Between my grandmother and my cousin Angie…we’ve made it work and I am so thankful for that
Day Thirteen: I am thankful for my Aunt Janet…the last living sibling of my father’s. I asked her on Monday if she would come to the appointment with us – for both emotional support for my father…and just so I didn’t have to go through this alone.
Day Fourteen I am thankful for my health. Granted, I am what they call “overweight”, but I am healthy…with a few things here and there (arthritis, asthma, possible thyroid issues). Other than that? I am in perfect health. I plan on keeping it that way.
Day Fifteen: I am thankful for the fact that my husband understands that since daddy has to quit drinking, he can no longer do his once a month “ritual”. I don’t even know what to call it. My husband honestly is not that much of a drinker – especially since we had Landon. However, once in a blue moon, when he’s off, he will pop open a few cans of budlight. He understands that because my father is the way he is, and what he is fixing to go through, he can no longer come home on a weekend he has off and drink a few.
Day Sixteen: I am thankful for the fact that God woke me up this morning…he’s given me another day to be with my children and my family.
Day Seventeen: I am thankful for my cousin Donna. Donna doesn’t pull any punches, and she doesn’t play the sympathy card. She’s always been there for me, especially in situations like this.
Day Eighteen: I am thankful for my cousin Shannon. My partner in crime. My children’s God Mother. She was there for the birth of my daughter, and she most certainly has been here for me this week when I’ve needed her the most. She understands me, and eh..she had to mediate between me and dad the other day. Dad was being a bit hard on me, and she was able to explain some things better to him verses me. She will never know, along with Donnie and Donna, how much she means to me.
Day Nineteen: I am thankful for the fact that for the first time in a long time, we are actually going to have a “Normal” Thanksgiving/Christmas on my Dad’s side of the family. This is something that has not happened in a very very long time…and I am grateful that its going to happen this year. I just hate that it took something like this for it to happen.
Day Twenty: I am thankful for my Aunt Carolyn. God Bless Her Soul. You know…in my eyes, she is an angel. She is the closest thing to a Saint on this planet. I know her heart is breaking just as much as mine is because of this. Words cannot express my feelings for my Aunt Carolyn. She has always…ALWAYS, never failing, had my back. I just hope she knows at least half of how much I love and care for her..and how much she means to me.
Day Twenty One: I am thankful for the roof I have over my head. You know, our house isn’t exactly much…and neither is the land…but it is everything to me. I grew up here, my children grew up here…and I dare anyone to try and take it from me.
Day Twenty Two: I am thankful for my car. No, it’s not a newer model, it’s a 2000 Silver Pontiac Grand Prix, but it was my mom’s car. Honestly, I believe she has been there with me a few times…especially the night I hydroplaned while I was leaving work, and I was about 20 weeks pregnant with Landon. It could have been a lot worse… but I swore then, and I’ll swear now…SOMEONE else was in the car with me…and I bet I know who…
Please…please continue to pray for my family. This is a really hard and difficult time for us. And thank you..thank you so much for the love and support and encouraging words I have received from you all.